Attention Children: Effective immediately, in order to ensure a fair distribution of both responsibility and rewards, we will be implementing a 9-9-9 parenting plan. Children can now expect:
- 9 minutes of breastfeeding at each breastfeeding session. If you are still hungry you will not receive more nursing time. If you are full at 8 minutes you will be required to continue suckling until you reach 9 minutes.
- 9 minutes of comfort per day. Please plan your crying and other needs accordingly because there will not be a plan for extended comfort minutes.
- 9 diaper changes per day. Do not soil yourself 10 times or you will have to wait until the next daily cycle for a diaper change.
We are very comfortable that this plan will best distribute the responsibility of parenting as well as the rewards in complete, blind equality. This plan will make sure that no one is treated differently and that everyone pays the same price for parental services.
Questions and requests for leniency should be submitted between 2 pm and 2:15 pm on the 3rd Tuesday after then first full moon of the quarter and should be done in triplicate in unicorn blood. Thanks you for understanding.
*I hope it goes without saying that this is sarcasm. My comment is both on any parenting “experts” that would recommend “equality” and on Herman Cain’s asinine tax plan. As any parent knows: Equality isn’t about “equal” it is about “fair”.