I’m Miserable

If you don’t have anything nice to say then don’t say anything at all.

Good advice in many instances. Sometimes, however, forcing yourself not to talk about the “bad” blocks the good too. This is where I’ve been. I haven’t blogged about the good things in my life (and there are plenty – for example we are officially cloth diapering!) because I’m trying too hard to hold back the bad things I want to talk about. So, this is going to be a bitching post. Consider yourself warned.

This has not been a happy pregnancy. I mean – I’m happy to be pregnant, thrilled it is twins, and aware of how very luck I am. But I’m not happy about being SO SICK. I’m sick of vomiting every. day. I’m sick of red splotches of broken capillaries on my face from retching so hard. I’m sick of going to the hospital for fluids because I can’t keep any food or even water down. I’m sick of the way phenergen makes me feel (even though I’m glad it helps me get nutrients to my babies).

I’m sick of the headaches. Two week long headaches that laugh in the face of Tylenol. Headaches that make me long to take the pain-relieving imitrex in the medicine cabinet (even though I can’t since it is iatrogenic). I’m sick of headaches that exacerbate my nausea which exacerbates my headaches.

I’m sick of heart palpitations and shortness of breath that sent me to the ER last week only to find out they are a “normal” but frightening result of the increased blood flow and heart size due to multiple pregnancy.

I’m sick of being so tired that I can only do the bare minimum per day and sleep the rest of the time. I’m sick of letting everyone down because I don’t have the energy to return emails or phone calls.

I’m sick of hearing how “so-and-so felt great when they were pregnant” and “she’s pregnant and she is here every day.” I’m sick of feeling like people think my symptoms are average pregnancy annoyances and I’m just being a complainer. I can assure you this is NOTHING like the inconveniences of my previous pregnancy. This is sickness – absence of health. Perhaps 99% of pregnancies are a walk in the park (and some even feel “like they could run a marathon”) but some are not. If I had cancer would you tell me “oh my aunt had breast cancer and she never missed a day of work”? I think it is a special misogyny to assume a woman is “being a baby” if she is truly sick with pregnancy.

I’m sick of letting it get to me. I’m sick of feeling depression knocking on my door because of the weight of smiling and pretending everything is fine.

Everything isn’t fine. Blessed? Yes. Worth it? Of course. But fine? No. Sorry but I’m not.

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9 thoughts on “I’m Miserable

  1. You poor thing. Absolutely you have the right to complain. That sounds horrible. I was actually just thinking the other day I need to complain more. 😉 I found out no one knew just how queasy I've been feeling with the pregnancy — I think it's that stoicism thing we women are trained in, especially when it's about "women's" issues. Not that mine is anywhere near your levels, of course! I'm just saying, complain if you feel like crap. And you should feel no pressure to do anything other than rest and try to make it through. Here's hoping things go better soon.

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  2. I know exactly what you mean about the whole 'women are being babies about being pregnant'. Whatever. Let it out. Being pregnant is NOT always a walk in the park. You're growing TWO human beings, for Christ's sake! Props to you, Mama. ❤

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  3. I feel ya. My husband had the gall to say that I had an "unusually easy pregnancy — the next one is practically guaranteed to be worse"! Um, did I not complain enough or something?

    Everyone's different, and everyone handles things differently too. Give yourself a break!

    And you know, I really never mind when people complain. If it's a person's habitual disposition, it can get old, but when a friend is going through a hard time, I don't mind a bit when they gripe. I know I do the same, and I like having a listening ear! I don't know who came up with the whole "complaining is bad" notion, but I personally disagree. If it makes you feel better and no one minds, why not?

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  4. Oh Paige, I hope you feel better soon! That sounds absolutely horrible and you absolutely have a right to complain. My second pregnancy was easy, but my first was miserable. Not nearly as miserable as yours, but I was in tears quite often nonetheless. I hope as the pregnancy progresses the sickness goes away for you.

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  5. I hope that writing this helped you feel better. It's so therapeutic to just let these things out and express what you feel and what you are going through. There is nothing other than focusing on yourself and your babies that you should be doing. Like you said, this is a difficult time and you deserve a break!

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  6. Just wanted to share some empathy with you. I was SO SICK my whole pregnancy. I took phernegan, too, and it made me feel queasy and so tired that I stayed in bed all day and slept like 18 hours a day. (I eventually switched to Unisom and vitamin b6 and that helped). I had heartburn from the first trimester and it only got worse through the pregnancy. I don't remember if I had headaches, though, that sounds horrible.

    My pregnancy was so horrible that I thought I'd get a break and have a good labor. Nope. I would have no desire to be pregnant ever again except that I'd really like to have another biological child.

    Anyway, hang in there. I'm sure it's so horrible because it's twins and you've got more of those pregnancy hormones raging through your body. I hope it gets better for you.

    Oh, and congrats on cloth diapering! Yay!

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  7. At least in our little parenting bubble, I have a feeling that no one will be irritated or upset by you complaining – complain away, it sounds like you are having an absolutely awful time from everything I've read!! I hope it gets better soon!!

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  8. I just found your blog, so this comment is a month late…or actually, almost two months…where has the time gone..ha!

    anyhow, I had a miserably sick pregnancy as well. It was the longest most terrible 9/10 months of my life. I think the longest I went with out throwing up was a week…and that was like a miracle.

    when my son was born, the very first words out of my mouth as I started crying were "thank God I'm not pregnant any more" and I truly meant it. I was as happy to have my baby in my arms as I was to not be pregnant…maybe even more happy actually…

    and I couldn't say it was "worth it" until he was almost 4 months old…

    anyhow…all that to say…you are not alone. and I hope that you have more good days than bad. and remember, the only cure for morning sickness and nausea is giving birth. 🙂

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  9. I was diagnosed with PCOS a few months ago. Right now im in the process of trying to cure it naturally with weight loss.

    Since I found out I had PCOS I joined some great support site where other women are just lie me. And it is truly a wonderful feeling. Good luck with everything – smile. And I'm so glad I found your site.

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