The Gift of Infertility

My mom pays me the greatest compliment when she tells me what a calm, confident mother I am.  I know she means “you are such an uptight freak normally!” LOL.  I take no offense because it is completely true.  I tend to over think and worry myself sick.  With Aellyn I’m just not.  I can’t explain it except to say I feel this overwhelming rightness.  I was born to be her mother.  It is what I was meant to do and I just know that I will do it right.  Not perfect, but right. 

I was recently reading Wishing4One’s blog (if you remember she just found out she is pregnant and it is twins!) and she posted this Anonymous piece called Thoughts on Becoming A Mother.  It so sums up how I feel and I wanted to share.

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss, and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better. I will be better not because of genetics, or money, or that I have read more books, but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life. I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes. I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes I WILL be a wonderful mother.


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7 thoughts on “The Gift of Infertility

  1. That is so beautiful! It’s easy to take our children for granted sometimes. I often remind myself that this time is short, and to savor them right now just as they are.

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  2. I am so proud of the person you have become and the many things you teach me every day. I wonder what wonderful things Aellyn will teach you. My mother and father loved me, I love you, You love Aellyn and she will love her child and on and on………I hope my descendants always know love.

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  3. I find this incredibly offensive how dare you say you’re a better mother than those of us who conceived easily. My son was planned and we wanted him terribly. We were lucky it happened quickly. I’m a stellar mother. He spent his first 2 months in the nicu. I relish and cherish every moment with him. I’m very sorry you struggled with infertility….. But you are in no way superior.

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  4. My husband and I have struggled with infertility for 5 years and my little girl is just 5 months old now. Sometimes I want to pull my hair out from lack of sleep, but reading this was like reading out of my own diary, albeit way more eloquent, especially the two parts about my dream crying for me now and the last part where it discusses sharing in another’s pain and struggle. It’s so important to sit down with the person who’s hurting sometimes and just cry with them and having compassion.

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