My Infertile Heart

My perfect miracle

After the first few years of infertility you no longer get a punch in the gut when you see a baby – you learn over time to gird yourself for the inevitable heartache of smelling that newborn scent.  If you get really good you develop intricate ways to never even be around when a new baby comes a-visitin’.

I am so blessed to have my own beautiful baby now.  I now routinely browse Aellyn’s infant pictures and revel in the wonder of her and of my luck.  Normally I can keep any thoughts of infertility deep inside – down in there where I’m subconsciously worried about breastfeeding Aellyn vs. giving my Snowflakes a chance to come home.  On the best day it is like it never happened.

So, I was really caught off guard when my coworker brought in his 4 week old.  She was so beautiful.  Small and delicious smelling.  I held her.  She was warm and whimpered in her sleep.  Perfect.  His older children where there too – a 4 year old boy and a 2 year old girl.  He, his wife, and three beautiful children. 

I didn’t want to feel a sharp stab of jealousy.  I cried a little.  I hope it came off as baby-loving, sappy chick.  When I got home and told DH it really hit.  The tears just flowed. 

I love my baby.  I’m beyond happy to have her.  Being remotely dissatisfied feels horribly wrong.  What type of person is given a gift like Aellyn and dares to want more?  But, no.  I refuse to pile guilt onto my feelings.  Feelings only compound when you deny them.  I’m blessed to have a baby.  I know that.  But, I’ll always be infertile.  I’ll never be the mom talking about how to space my children to minimize sibling rivalry.  I’ll never have to weigh the pros and cons of adding a 3rd child.  I’ll always pine for, not only another baby, but for the loss of the effortless family building that others enjoy.

You know what though?  I held a perfect child in my arms today instead of running and hidding.


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11 thoughts on “My Infertile Heart

  1. As another infertile mother I just want to say how much it means to read this and know that I’m not the only one. A beautiful and powerful post. Thank you 🙂

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  2. Thanks Dana and Sunnymama. I’m glad I’m not alone in feeling these yucky feelings some times.

    Writing it down last night on my blog just released it for me. It was such a relief to let it go! Then getting virtual hugs is so wonderful. I love blogging! 🙂

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  3. my IVF miracle is 3.5 and the yearning for another child is strong and almost as painful as the first. Last year we did 3 ivfs (two frozen one fresh) and all were miserable failures.
    IF never leaves you. its a stain on your heart that opened me to new friends, new knowledge and yes, life long ache. I love my child more than i have words to explain, and it’s not wrong to ache for another!
    Korin
    http://www.mamazen.typepad.com

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  4. I LOVE YOU!!!!!! Our little girl is perfect and we did a fantastic job. I too want her to have a sibling and I can’t wait for the day we get to try again.

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  5. We have been TTC #2 for almost 18 months now (#1 took us 8 years to conceive). Secondary infertility is very hard, I would say for us it’s been as hard as the first time around.

    Thanks for the post, it’s nice to know there are other people out there feeling like me.

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  6. While I am not infertile my husband has had a vasectomy and lately I have been getting that baby fever. I now it’s not anywhere close to how you must feel but your post resonated with me anyway. Hugs to you! xx

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  7. Your post made me cry! I feel for all of you. These are feelings that most of us never have to experience. You are so articulate at explaining so that I can totally empathize. Thanks for going through it so I can be Grandma. Love you. And *HUGS* from me too. Aellyn is like sunshine in our lives and another would give us TWO SUNS. WOW!

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  8. Oh, Paige, hugs to you! I’m so glad you were able to have your baby after all, and wish you the best in your future.

    I have NO IDEA what you’ve been through, and I’m not pretending to know, but I just want to say your post reminded me of the time I had my miscarriage (my first pregnancy), and I was so torn up every time I saw a pregnant woman, every time I saw a baby. I just wanted to scream at people who were cavalier about “planning” their pregnancies that you don’t always get to plan. One day in church, a couple stood up with their two kids and announced they were having a third — due right at the time mine would have been. I started sobbing. I felt like they’d stolen my child, and they already had two! I’m very impressed at how grown-up you were able to be around your coworker’s baby, and I think you have every right to your emotions about it.

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  9. Thanks Lauren. I want to scream when people talk about planning their babies for a certain birth stone or astrological symbol! UGH!!! I can’t imagine experiencing a miscarriage – I’m so sorry you had to go through that.

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