Oh, didn’t you know? Sleeping is sooo last season. Screaming all night long is the new black. Get with the program.
So yeah, last night was the worst in a string of bad nights that is frankly taking up the most of the past 3 or 4 weeks. I just want to cry. Oh wait, did that. Last night she slept no longer than 2 hours at a time but sometimes only 30 minutes. She fights going back to sleep to the tune of crying for 90 minutes. Her arms wake her up. The swaddle pisses her off. She kicks. She sits up. She crawls. She screams. And screams. And screams.
Ok, let’s be honest. In the light of day I feel like shit about this. That 90 minute stretch last night when we “tried everything”? Well, we didn’t. I didn’t nurse. Why not? I don’t know. If she were 2 months old I would have nursed the minute she made a sound. Why am I not doing that at 10 months? Do I have some preconceived notion that a 10 month old “should” be sleeping through the night without nursing? Am I stressed about having to wean for my FET? Is it hard to hear people ALL. DAY. LONG. tell me to let her cry it out. put her in her crib. don’t let her get in the habit of nursing when she wants. I didn’t listen to these people at 2 months why am I doing it now? Is the habit of nursing with mommy for comfort a *bad* habit I need/want to break?
Frankly, are my expectations getting in the way of my intuitive parenting?
So, what do I want? I want to cosleep. The thought of putting her in a crib down the hall sounds abhorrent to me. I want to nurse. I don’t want to wean (FET be damned). 10 months is not a “big girl” that needs to suck it up with the binky or hugs from daddy. She needs her mommy. She won’t always and I’ll miss these days. I want to sleep. I want her to sleep.
What would an indigenous mother do? What would a Gorilla mama do? They’d nurse. They’d meet every need without question or societal guilt. They’d be rested this morning because they would have used The Ultimate Soothing Method given to them by God – Breastfeeding.