IF anniversary

Today is the anniversary of our infertility.  Exactly 9 years ago today, DH and I decided to try to start a family.  Little did we know it would take us 106 months of failure to reach the point we are at now.  Thank you God for bringing us a baby!  This makes me think about “survivors guilt.”  That guilt that people feel when they recover from something while their friends, who played an invaluable role in your own journey, continue to suffer.  I must admit I do not feel survivors guilt per se.  I hate that the wonderful women I’ve met in the blogosphere and in my support group are still barren – no one should have to suffer with that.  But I don’t feel guilty because I know that I, like the others, deserve this!  I paid my dues and so have they.  We should all be pregnant.  How I do feel is not like other pregnant women.  What do they know?  Did they have to try 6 whole months?  Poor babies.  I don’t feel like I can relate to them.  Of course, I also can’t relate to my support group girls anymore either.  This is the one club that you hope to get kicked out of.  I miss them.  I feel like they would understand me more than the others – the “normal” preggers.   I don’t feel fertile.

However, I do feel pregnant now!  My mom took me shopping today for my first maternity wardrobe!  It was the most exciting thing.  I’ve never even been in a maternity store since they made me want to cry.  But there I was actually trying stuff on!  They have pillow bellies you put on to gage fit when you will be bigger.  You know that feeling when you try on the ‘right’ wedding dress and it is an overwhelming moment?  That’s what seeing an image of myself at 8 months pregnant was like.  I can’t believe that is going to be me – is me.  I wasn’t sure with shopping today if I actually intended to start wearing the clothes for another few weeks but they are so comfortable.  My pants and my undies have been so uncomfortable and restrictive lately.  I had a tummy already so others can’t see that I’ve changed by my clothes sure say I have.   I feel much more comfortable in these new clothes and I love how I look!  I feel like a walking miracle of life.  It feels sexy even.  Grrrr…I am woman hear me roar!

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