The lab just called to schedule our ET for tomorrow at 9:30. I am just sick to my stomach because I was so hoping for a 5 day transfer. I know I shouldn’t have but I just had it built up in my mind as the “goal” of IVF. I should have asked more questions about number and egg quality but she said “some have slowed down and it looks like you have 9 that are ok.” Some? Ok? Where do these people get their words? Don’t they know I live and breathe by them? So, do we have more than 9 and some have slowed down but 9 are doing good? Do we only have 9 and most of them suck? I know this is completely out of my hands now. God is watching my babies and the lab people. I have to trust. But I still want to throw up.
I so underestimated how this would feel. The question of weather a failed IVF is going to feel like a miscarriage is moot. I feel like these are my babies dying and they aren’t even inside me yet. I wish I had more control over the lab process. I want to see each embryo and let ME decide if I think it is arresting or if I think it can be frozen. Those are my babies and they are in someone else’s care.
There is a dam of tears behind my eyes and my heart is in my throat.