CD #9: Little Follies, Big E2

/Sigh

I know you aren’t supposed to compare your progress on stims to the progress of others and that I should trust my doctors on my protocol but it is so hard sometimes.  I had monitoring this morning and all my follicles are under 10mm still which didn’t really bother me because I want them to grow healthy not fast.  But here’s the problem – my e2 was over 1,000.

Is that really a problem?  Maybe not.  I just hang on every word the nurse says when she calls.  And not just the words the tone, inflection, even the volume of her voice.  I feel it all holds some mysterious truth to my cycle.  She said, “you are sensitive to the meds.”  What does that mean?  She said, “we don’t want your e2 to get higher without those follicles growing.” Could that happen?  …increased panic…is that happening?  Maybe I can’t grow eggs!  My IUI’s were always with one despite stims.  She said to only take 100IU of follistim for the next two days and come back on Monday.  Why so low?  What’s wrong with me?

Basically all of this spirals in my mind until I’m wound up like a Jack-in-the-Box with a huge rock on the lid.  The thing is that she wouldn’t even have told me about my e2 level if I didn’t ask and then I caused her to explain.  She didn’t sound worried or like this was greatly unusual.  I got home and read in one of my (many) IF books that the reduction is stims signals your body to stop producing follicles and to start growing the ones you have.  That sounds perfect.  I don’t want 20 eggs, 10-12 sound perfect to me (less snowflakes, no OHSS).  The fact that my body is sensitive to the meds is better than not responding, right?

This should all be making me feel better.  But, somehow I can’t help but be in this state of worry tonight.  I’ve been so good about relaxing and enjoying the ride of this cycle.  Tonight though I feel like I can’t breathe with worry and my lips are tingling like mad (s/e of zoloft when you get stressed).  I just want to cry and sleep for 4 days.  There is this huge lump in my throat.  I can almost feel my baby in my arms and it is like she is being pulled out of my embrace by some unseen and malevolent force.

In the back of my mind I have the realization that I might be feeling this way because of the meds.  Worry won’t help my eggs grow.  Obsessing about my e2 isn’t going to make it drop.  Maybe this happens all the time.  I need to go along for the ride.  It is all decided by God already anyways.  I’m just here to experience what is already planned.

I have to trust and let go and breathe.

Oh yeah, and good news: my lining is 15mm!

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