Still Waiting

Still no AF.  I can feel it but I’m still waiting.

Tonight I “nested.”  That’s what I’m going to call it.  I arranged all my paraphernalia for stimming on a wooden tray: syringes, follistim pen, alcohol swabs, gauze.  Along with a picture of an infant and the words, “you are stronger than you think.”  I call it nesting because I know that I did it out of desperation to be doing something.  I’m meditating every day and reading all I can about nurturing yourself through IVF.  If AF doesn’t come soon I don’t know what I’ll have left to do to make myself feel like I’m doing something positive to effect our outcome.

It is such a dizzying game.

I want to tell everyone really quick about a wonderful friend I have named Zoe.  She is my best friend despite the fact that we have lived several states away from each other for 5 years.  In the beginning I would have said that Zoe was one of the people who most often said things that felt like a punch in the stomach – unintentionally, of course.  Things like “well at least you get to sleep in on Saturday.”  I used to silently fume about these types of statements when I realized that if I didn’t tell her that it hurt me how would she ever know?  When I talked to her about it she was glad that I told her and I know that she has spread the word to other people she meets about how to treat people dealing with IF.  Zoe reads my blog to keep up on me because I do tend to isolate myself from others (particularly others with children) during treatment.  She left me a message this weekend to tell me that she was thinking about me and praying for our IVF and that she loved me.  I still haven’t called her back.  I can’t explain why.  It just seems like more than I can handle to pretend to be happy go lucky on the phone.  But, her phone call meant so much to me, I can’t even describe.  It was like a long distance hug.  She respected my need for space and didn’t make me feel bad for being a crappy friend right now.  That is the greatest gift she could give me.  I love you Zoe.  🙂

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