Still no AF. I can feel it but I’m still waiting.
Tonight I “nested.” That’s what I’m going to call it. I arranged all my paraphernalia for stimming on a wooden tray: syringes, follistim pen, alcohol swabs, gauze. Along with a picture of an infant and the words, “you are stronger than you think.” I call it nesting because I know that I did it out of desperation to be doing something. I’m meditating every day and reading all I can about nurturing yourself through IVF. If AF doesn’t come soon I don’t know what I’ll have left to do to make myself feel like I’m doing something positive to effect our outcome.
It is such a dizzying game.
I want to tell everyone really quick about a wonderful friend I have named Zoe. She is my best friend despite the fact that we have lived several states away from each other for 5 years. In the beginning I would have said that Zoe was one of the people who most often said things that felt like a punch in the stomach – unintentionally, of course. Things like “well at least you get to sleep in on Saturday.” I used to silently fume about these types of statements when I realized that if I didn’t tell her that it hurt me how would she ever know? When I talked to her about it she was glad that I told her and I know that she has spread the word to other people she meets about how to treat people dealing with IF. Zoe reads my blog to keep up on me because I do tend to isolate myself from others (particularly others with children) during treatment. She left me a message this weekend to tell me that she was thinking about me and praying for our IVF and that she loved me. I still haven’t called her back. I can’t explain why. It just seems like more than I can handle to pretend to be happy go lucky on the phone. But, her phone call meant so much to me, I can’t even describe. It was like a long distance hug. She respected my need for space and didn’t make me feel bad for being a crappy friend right now. That is the greatest gift she could give me. I love you Zoe. 🙂