Rollercoaster Of Love

This weekend has been an emotional rollercoaster.  I feel elated and SO SURE that IVF will work for us one minute and terrified the next.

I visited my grandparents this weekend and was shocked at the deterioration of my grandmother’s mental condition.  She has some kind of cyst on her brain and although the doctors aren’t using the word Alzheimer’s, it is abundantly obvious to me that is what she is suffering from.  She is always a little forgetful but this was full-fledged mental debilitation.  She can’t make a sandwich.  It is so sad.  You can just see the life go out of her at the frustration of not understanding and having to concentrate on everything so hard.  The whole weekend has made me very melancholy.

Whenever I visit my grandparents it always becomes a photo viewing fest!  This time I felt really jealous of my cousins who have given them great-grandchildren.  I’m not hateful toward them, like I might have been two years ago, I love them dearly – but there is still this lingering feeling of being robbed of everything in those pictures. Halloweens, christmases, baths, snow, puppies, etc.  And all of these albums are labled “grandkids” and I just feel empty that I haven’t added to them.

Ugh, I don’t want to sink into a pity party again.

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