Ah! Why didn’t I find a support group years ago?
Last night I went to my first infertility support group offered through my church, Still Waters. It is lead by the author of Guide Me Through This Barren Land: A Devotional for the Childless Woman, Vicki Caswell. There were 5 of us including the leader so it was a very small intimate group. I told my story briefly – I was very worried about this since christians have such a wide variety of views on reproductive technology. I was honest with what we had tried and were willing to try in the future and everyone seemed to understand regardless of their own beliefs. So, I was well relieved to see such open mind to the very personal decisions that come with IF.
I had a terrible day yesterday with a broken car and a rainforest of frozen-broken-pipe-water in my living room. I almost didn’t go to the meeting and I’m so glad I did. At one point, Vicki was reading her talk for a women’s conference she is speaking at this weekend and I just burst into tears. She actually had to stop while I pulled myself together! She was at the point where she was talking about being angry at God and even not praying for a while and I just had the wave of relief that someone else felt like me and I wasn’t alone. Of course I knew I wasn’t alone in IF – but I truly felt alone and ashamed of my anger towards God. She reminded us of Job which I plan to read again. My memory of Job is “terrible things happened but Job praised God.” Well, many of us conveniently forget the middle part where Job was angry and brought his anger to God. I have been carrying this burden alone because I thought I couldn’t bring anger to God. Crazy!! God can handle it! The relief I felt was overwhelming.
My pain and loneliness and anger aren’t gone this morning but I feel something beautiful anyhow…hope.