Where to start?
I abandoned this blog at the same time I abandoned my life and my hope. I went to a very dark place. This place was lonely and sad. My husband went to his own dark place. We almost lost each other. That was 2006.
New Year’s Eve 2007 I said “goodbye 2006, 2007 has to be better!”
6 days later my Dad had a heart attack. This is how the rest of the year went:
My father had triple by-pass heart surgery
My husband and I, with a marriage on the rocks for the first time in 7 blissful, though childless, years, went to an amazing marriage retreat called Retrouvaille. It saved our lives.
Dad’s surgery failed, he had another heart attack followed by a “re-do” of the by-pass – I didn’t even know that was something that was possible. A 58 year old man had 2 open heart surgeries in 4 months.
Dad bled internally in the last surgery. I drove to the hospital praying to God not to save my father but to let me reach the hospital to be with Mom before they told her. They saved him in a miracle of miracles. I take off work during his recuperation – this will always be one of the most precious times in my life.
Mom was in a car accident.
My husband and I file bankruptcy – finding a new job that pays even 1/2 of his previous salary is next to impossible.
My mother is diagnosed with thyroid cancer and undergoes surgery to have her thyroid, parathyroids, and tumor removed.
So what did God bring me in 2007?
A closer and happier marriage
A healthy Mother
A close look at what matters.
2007 was a miracle.
During all this I was going to therapy for my depression (yes, I went to the pregnant therapist, she was great) and spend a great deal of time working on my marriage. I learned to get honest with myself and my support group. I’m not perfect, I hurt, I can’t always handle it. I don’t have everything I want…but I am blessed all the same.
Ok, 2008, I’m going to be 33 let’s get back to baby. Through much tears we have decided on donor insemination. Biology is crap! We want to be parents and a large part of that experience is pregnancy and delivery for us. I didn’t like my RE, I need a new doctor. I ask around, I pick a new doctor.
…and today was my appointment.
Dr. A is amazingly different from the cold clinical Dr. D. She spends 45 minutes with us. We are late due to weather and she does not give us attitude. She ASKS US WHAT WE WANT! We tell her our problem and say we are looking at donor sperm. She says she will help us and explains the process.
Then she says “But..”
“there is the financial grant program for IVF.” I listen stunned as she explains a “second chance” program designed for IVFers who fail their first cycle. They are branching out to first timers who can’t afford it.
“Do you make a combined income of less than $100,00?” Hell yes, alot less.
She explains IVF in detail, handwritten while she speaks on 10 pages of paper with diagrams. DIAGRAMS! Once again the difference between these two doctors is amazing. I will try to post the diagrams later they are great. I gulp when she mentions embryo…I don’t want to think about our embryo, the embryo of my egg and my husbands sperm. Hope bubbles up and lodges in my throat.
“What are the chances we would get approved for this grant?” I ask.
She explains the goal of the program and that she has regretted giving it to people because they didn’t realize the gift they were being given. She thinks we are great candidates (history: male factor – IUI was stupid for us from the begining, IVF was always the way) and our likelihood of getting the grant is “very probable.”
“You mean my baby could have my husband’s eyes?” I burst into uncontrollable sobs. I can’t believe there is this lifeline, this thread of hope when all hope seemed lost. I literally want to fall to my knees and praise God. I sob into my husbands shoulders.
Tomorrow there is paperwork to fill out and feelings to sort out – excited, scared. But today I feel…shocked. stunned.