August 2006 Archive

View Article  Thanks

I just wanted to pop in with a huge THANKS for all your comments on my last post.  I’m embarassed reading it – what a wuss!  🙂  No, I know that everyone has days like that and I need to give myself permission to have one myself.  I’ve kind of needed a few days off to lick my wounds.  In the meantime I have been woefully absent from blogland and I apologize for that.  Please don’t take that to mean that your comments haven’t been a god-send to me.  Each one is llike a virtual hug and it makes me a little more whole with each one.


View Article  Breakdown – welcome to my pity party

I went to lunch today with a friend and then went to this new scrapbooking store (for the record I am not a scrapbooker but this store could convert me).  I was walking along and then hit the baby section and just started balling my eyes out.  I’ve been waking up in tears all week with this recurring dream about my Dad cooing over a baby that is not mine.  The effort of pretending I’m ok is killing me slowly.  And, like Lut C. I feel I am seriously slipping at work.  I think I headed for a nervous breakdown.

I immediately feel like I need to apologize for complaining to all the women who have done way more medicated cycles or much more complex treatments like IVF.  I sometimes feel I’m not entitled to my feelings because others have endured more than I.  Logically, I know that none of the wonderful women of the IF-blogosphere would want or expect me to feel this way.  It is just another layer in my guilt-ridden self-inflicted masochism.

Still no LH surge.  I think I may not ovulate at all this month.  I don’t even feel a twitch in my ovaries like they are shut down completely.  I just don’t get it and I feel so angry.  I mean, why?  For goodness sake, why?  Isn’t this hard enough?  Isn’t it unjust enough that my wonderful husband might not be able to pass on his beautiful eyes and wavy black hair?  Who decides who “wins” this terrible IF lottery?  To top it off, how DARE the insurance lobby deny me treatment?  How dare they lie against the entire medical community and say it is experimental or not medically neccessary?  Let’s see how happy they are when they’re paying for my extended stay in a padded room.

Does this count as IUI#3?  I mean technically there was no insemination but doesn’t the ride on the roller coaster count as a ride even if you have to get off half way through.  I’m sorry but emotionally when (if) the next cycle starts it will feel like #4 to me.

I just can’t take it anymore.  So, ok, this month there were no shots, no hormones, no bloating, no painful cervical catheter to complain about.  No abyssmal motile sperm numbers or equally awful follicle counts to cry over.  No 2ww to agonize over.  It was a bunch of nothing – why does it hurt so bad?  

Oh, that’s right because there was also no baby.


I want so much not to want this anymore.  I want to be free of the longing that makes my heart ache.

View Article  Sniff..sniff

I’m so happy for Flygirl.  Her post made me cry as I imagined my turn at the telling.

Um, so ok.  No positive OPK yet.  CD19.  WTF?  Can a couple cycles of stims mess up your regular cycles?  I’m terrified because we went into this with one problem (MF) we don’t need another.  I called the RE today to see if she had any insight.  Now the wait for the call begins.

View Article  To progesterone or not to progesterone? That is the question

Ugh.  I am at work on a Saturday since I will probably miss work on Mon or Tue for my IUI.  Guess what I just learned?  They shut off the HVAC systems for the weekend.  It must be 80 degrees in this office and completely stagnant with no air circulation at all.  Joy.

So I started POAOPKS (ha, new acronym!  Pee on an ovulation predictor kit stick!) last night.  I should surge tonight or tomorrow and IUI on Sun or Mon.  Last month I started spotting at 7dpiui so I voiced my concerns and have been prescribed progesterone suppositories.  (My wonderful husband said, “you mean up the butt?” with this look of horror on his face.  Um, no honey, VAGINAL suppositories.)  

So I have a conundrum – I’ve never had a short lp until last month (reminder:  we are MF as far as we know) and this could be caused by the injections.  Since I am au naturale this month I feel like there is really no reason that my lp should be short.  Actually, I’d almost like to see if it is too short without the injections because that would be a new development.  I’m going to San Francisco right in the middle of my 2ww.  Do I really want to be hopped up on p4?  

In all honesty, do I really think it is going to matter?

That is really the crux of it.  I’m honestly doing this IUI because we said we’d do 3.  I have given up all hope after last month’s abysmal numbers.  We are just spinning our wheels.  I know it only takes one egg and one sperm, but after 7 years I really feel the problem is larger than they can ascertain.  The antibodies crippling his sperm are only seen as a decrease in motility.  What if for every sperm that is motile there is still an antibody attached to the head inhibiting fertilization?  These aren’t things they really look at.  Semen Analysis is such a vague science.

I am ready to move on.  

However, I am still superstitious enough to think I would jinx us if I discuss our next steps here before this cycle is through.  I’ll wait it out.  

View Article  All about me – in 4’s

****Edited**** to add – Go give Flygirl some love!  Congrats!

YEAH!!  I got tagged.  I love this stuff.  Getting to know each other is what makes us, as Thalia so eloquently says, a community.  Thanks to Vanilla Dreams for tagging me!

I apologize in advance for the length of the first answer.  If you stick with me I promise the other answers are short and sweet!

Four jobs I have had in my life:

1. Current Job – Librarian at NASA.  Please don’t say, “NASA has librarians?”  Of course they do – a research organization is only as good as its access to information.  And I really hate…”so, what? Do you shelve books all day?”   UGHHH!  The people shelving books at your local library are NOT librarians.  All Librarians aren’t nice old ladies with sensible shoes and buns reading books to toddlers (not that those librarians are bad things- we all remember a kindly children’s librarian from our youth).  Some librarians are scientists cum research analysts.  Think of your university librarian times 100.  Want to know what a Librarian is? Read Why You Should Fall To Your Knees and Worship a Librarian by the Librarian Avenger.

Whew…can you tell I have to defend my profession’s honor daily?  Sorry for the mini-rant.  Anyway,  I do all the information architecture for the Library.  I love my job and I love working for the space program – it is like being part of something bigger than myself that will benefit all mankind.

2.  I’ve been a librarian at numerous universities/colleges.

3.  I taught 6th grade science for 1 year.

4.  I taught ballet and lyrical dance through high school.

Four movies I watch over and over:

I’d like to note that this asks what movies I watch over and over not which movies are my favorite.  This is an important distinction.  I love To Kill a Mocking Bird but it is not the movie I put in the DVD player every night to fall asleep to or to clean the house to.  These are my feel-good movies that I watch at least 20 times a year.  My husband and I call them OBG – oldies but goodies:

1.  I’ll make it unanimous and say Princess Bride.  I watch it so much I actually enjoy watching it in Spanish (even though I speak little).  
2.  Galaxy Quest.  Another one I love to watch again and again.  Try out the Thermian language track on the DVD – if you dare.
3. Snatch and any Guy Ritchie movie.
4. Chocolat and any Johnny Depp movie.
5.  I need to add a 5th – I probably watch National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation EVERY DAY from Thanksgiving to New Year’s.  I think Chevy Chase is so funny.  “I couldn’t be more surprised if I woke up tomorrow with my face sewn to the carpet.”  LOLLLLL!

Four places I have lived:

1. Tiny village of Damascus, Ohio
2. El Paso, TX (Ft. Bliss)
3. St.Petersburg, FL (Tampa Bay)
4. Cleveland, Ohio

Four TV shows I love:

Note:  I don’t have cable so I don’t get to watch some of the goodies
1. Jeopardy
2. Law and Order
3. Buffy and Angel (I know they are no more but I love them still)
4. Firefly (also cancelled – best damn TV show EVER)

Four places I have been on vacation:

1. San Salvador, Bahamas – stayed on an abandoned US Naval Base with my university class studying phycology (study of algae).  Best 3 credits ever.
2.  Luxembourg
3. Great St. Bernard’s pass, Swiss/Italian border – not only a beautiful Alps destination but home to myfavorite things on earth 
(I’ve been all over Europe but these (2 and 3) are some of the places I love the most that most Americans never get to on their whirlwind tour of the continent.)

4. The North American Continental Divide (aka the Great Divide) – I backpacked up the Rocky Mts. to this place where the waters divide – east to the Atlantic/Gulf watershed and west to the Pacific.  

Four websites I visit daily:

1. Fertility Friend
2. RawSugar – social bookmarking
3. LibraryThing – social cataloging
4. Blogs – between IF, Sci/Tech, NASA, and Librarianship I monitor close to 300 blogs daily.

Four of my favorite foods:

1. Chocolate
2. Thai
3. Chipotle
4. French toast

Four places I would rather be right now:

1. Home in bed, reading my Sherrilyn Kenyon Dark Hunter Novel
2. Spa – getting a hot stone message
3. The International Space Station
4. Machu Picchu

Four favorite bands/singers:

1. The Cure
2. Fugazi
3. Afghan Whigs
4. Violent Femmes
5.  (oh, oh, I have more) Sublime, Jane’s Addiction, Save Ferris, Lemonheads, etc.

Four people I tag (sorry if you’ve already been tagged):

1.  I’ve never been to Belize (this is my hubby’s blog about movies)
2.  Fertile Soul
3.  Which way to Baby?
4.  Wishing on a Star
5.  Prop Your Hips Up Afterwards (sorry Beth if you’ve done this on your old blog – I missed it and would love to hear from you!)

But, hey – we are a community!  If you want to have your turn, consider yourself tagged and GO FOR IT!


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