So, I have been on business travel this week in Virginia. I really debated earlier this month whether I should bow out of this trip. I knew I would a) be pregnant (yeah, right) or b) be very upset at another failed cycle. In hind sight it was the best thing for me. You know travel can be a mini-vacation, even if it is work related. For a few sweet days my normal responsibilities were suspended. I had to show up, participate, be brilliant. But, I didn’t have to finish that report, go to meetings (and more meetings), make major decisions, etc. AND, the best part is my evenings are huge empty vacuums of time. I fill this time with…Romance Novels.
Ok, I admit it I LOVE TO READ ROMANCE NOVELS. And not the “high brow” kind. I like bodice-rippers. And frankly, throw in a pirate, highlander, or vampire and I’m on cloud nine. This is almost embarrassing. In my real life I’m an uber-intellectual. I have enough college degrees that I actually need a 12-step addicts program. I work, literally, with rocket scientists all day. Hey, it is time to come out of the closet. Romance novels are engrossing, sweet, exciting, and always have a happy ending. My favorite author is Phillip K. Dick. A little deep if your goal is to relax for a short while. My current faves are Karen Marie Moning andSherrilyn Kenyon (btw, if you are not familiar with library thing – is a great way to create your own book catalog – check it out. You can also add your books to your blog, as I do on the left below so people can see what you are reading). Can’t get enough.
I read very fast so I can read one per evening. This means a 4 day business trip is four trips into the story of someone else’s life. I can’t think, I can’t worry, I fall asleep with a smile on my face. It is bliss.
So, does this mean I’ve come to grips in some way with this terrible process that conception has become. NO. When it drifted into my mind unbidden I felt such waves of sadness and a pinch of bitterness that threatens to engulf me. That scares me the most. I don’t want to let this darken my soul but sometimes I fear it is out of my hands. I want a child more than anything and yet when I see a child or a family or a pregnant woman I feel overwhelmed with jealousy. I go out of my way to avoid situations with children. It seems to be a weird dichotomy of hating to see the thing I want the most.
Lately the idea that I’m not meant to have children and I should find another focus has been creeping into my mind. This is not a foreign thought. It is the reason I have been so slow to seek IF treatment and why July 2006 was the 7th anniversary of our search for baby. Is this thought right? Or, is it just cowardice that makes me want to pretend to not want it – because I’m afraid I can’t have it. Is ignorance bliss?
It is a compulsion. I am afraid to NOT try to get pregnant. I couldn’t stim this month since I have several business trips. However, we plan to do a natural IUI cycle. Am I doing it to get pregnant or to prove to everyone just how awful this condition is? If they see me fail again and again they will get it more and more. This is already true with my family and friends. I don’t think they have “gotten it” for the past 6 years. But, with each failure and broken heart they start to see that this is not a “bummer.”
Thank you so much for the kind thoughts from my blogland friends. It means so much to know that there are people out there rooting for me as I root for them. I apologize for being behind on everyone’s blogs – I can’t wait to catch up and see where everyone is at.
What doesn’t kill us is supposed to make us strong, right?