I had my baseline u/s today – NO MORE CYSTS!
I will begin with the Bravelle tomorrow at 225 IU for 4 days and return on Wednesday, 7/5 for another bloodwork and u/s.
My month off was nice – I totally zoned out and pretended I didn’t have IF for almost 26 days. Because of that I also didn’t keep up with everyone’s journey – I’m going to remedy that this weekend as I catch up on all the blogs.
Has anyone seen the special edition of People Magazine? It is all about celebrity babies. Being the dedicated masochist that I am I actually bought this! It is cute (if you are into 400 dollar swaroski crystal baby shoes) and sometimes infuriating (Brittney’s pregnancy – make me gag!).
I’m back in the game…hopefully this will be my last inning.
Dr. Phil is doing a show on infertility. You can sign up and tell your story here. I’m a Dr. Phil fan I must admit and I’m very happy that he is doing a show on this just for the exposure. I am concerned that the call for guests never mentions the word infertility. I hate when it is just referred to a “trouble getting pregnant.” This sounds like a sexual dysfunction – like we aren’t quite getting it right. I think it is important that people see that infertility is a medical condition – or at least a family of medical conditions that impair fertility. Also, I fear he will focus on the “give it up and adopt” scenario. I have nothing against adoption and many people with IF end up going this route. However, I think telling a couple with IF to adopt before they are ready to go there is like telling a woman whose husband has just died to get out there and date. So, here’s to hoping that Dr. Phil does us proud. I’ll post when the show is slated to run.
**note: by special request I will start using the acronym tag to call out my myriad of acronyms. When you see an underlined word, hover over it with your mouse to see a pop-up spelling out the acronym. Try it here: IF
I really have mixed feelings about this. I’m partially bummed that I can’t do something active to get pregnant this month (although we will go au naturale – since that has worked so well for us <insert scathing sarcasm here>). On the other hand, it will be nice to have a month off from hoping and worrying.
On another front I found out some additional information about our semen analysis the day of our IUI:
Ok, quick background – our primary problem is male factor due to anti-sperm antibodies which causes artificially low motility and morphology:
SA#1: vol: 5.6
Count: 58.2 million
SA from IUI #1:
Pre-wash collected in dilution fluid with enzyme to decrease ASA binding:
Volume 8.0 (holy cow!)
58% motility (what???)
post-wash: 57% motile
Total count: 9.5 million
Total motile: 5.4 million
First off – I was thrilled about the motility – that dilution fluid really worked for us! Doesn’t the post-wash number seem low? I thought we could get approximately half of the total pre-wash count?
Here is the real question: with numbers like this, how many times would you try IUI before moving on?
BFN – Big Fat Negative – a negative result on a HPT or Beta (blood test).
I have recently had two of these – one on Friday and one on Saturday. The real final straw visited today – AF arrived. I can’t even describe how I feel. I don’t want to talk about it and I cry everytime anyone brings it up. I feel filled with rage one minute and sorrow the next. I just don’t understand why this is happening to us.
Most of all I just can’t believe that I have tortured myself with this 30 day cycle of misery almost every month for nearly seven years. I stopped bith control to “let fate give me a baby” I didn’t try to get pregnant – I just put it in fate’s hands. Nothing happened. So then I tried. Temping, timing, waiting. Nothing. Ok, maybe fate is waiting for DH to get out of the military. Nothing. Ok, DH finishes his college degree. Nothing. The doctor refers us to an RE…low count…let’s inseminate? Feels too soon. Feels to artificial. Fate is just wating for the right time. We need to move back home, close to my parents – then I’ll get pregnant. Nothing. Ok, maybe I’ll go to graduate school and get my masters. Nothing. I get my dream job. Nothing. I get another masters. NOTHING. Buy a house. NOTHING!!!!
Looking back at this I alterantely feel stupid for ignoring science (I am a scientists for goodness sake) and angry that others supported this view. I have NEVER had anyone say to me, “maybe you should try medical intervention.” Everyone says “it will happen.” They are wrong it won’t just happen. I spent so many years believing that the time just wasn’t right. It would happen when it was supposed to happen. Every month I think THIS IS IT. We are ready now. We are worthy of a child. And every month we are slapped with a big FUCK YOU. NOT NOW. MAYBE NEXT TIME.
I just hate the pain. The pain of cycles of hope and failure. over. and over. and over.
And I’m going to do it again next month. I’m choosing to do this to myself. What kind of sick masochism is this? How many more times do I have to endure this before I am worthy? How many more times can I endure this before my spirit is broken forever?
Sorry for the downer. This too will pass – that is part of the cycle. It is getting harder every time.
I have to say it would definitely be worth them $ to keep this blog opperational. I’m so overwhelmed by how much this blog, and the comments people post have helped me through each day. It is humbling to have the invisible community of sisters who care about what is going on with me and are supporting me everyday. What a blessing. I set up this blog to vent and journal – I didn’t realize that the best thing I would get out of this is a network of friends.
THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart!
Well, today I am 9dpiui. I’ve had AF type cramps on and off the past few days. I rocket between excitement/hope and failure/despair. The mood swings are enough to give me whiplash! Even though some people consider it foolish I plan to POAS tomorrow morning. I figure if it is BFN, I won’t be devistated (because it is not over till you know who shows up) and if it is BFP I can start celebrating (read: worrying about doubling!).
I will keep my wonderful blog friends posted!