Acronym of the Week: BFN

Boy, I was hoping I could use BFP this week. Unfortunately…

BFN – Big Fat Negative – a negative result on a HPT or Beta (blood test).

I have recently had two of these – one on Friday and one on Saturday. The real final straw visited today – AF arrived. I can’t even describe how I feel. I don’t want to talk about it and I cry everytime anyone brings it up. I feel filled with rage one minute and sorrow the next. I just don’t understand why this is happening to us.

Most of all I just can’t believe that I have tortured myself with this 30 day cycle of misery almost every month for nearly seven years. I stopped bith control to “let fate give me a baby” I didn’t try to get pregnant – I just put it in fate’s hands. Nothing happened. So then I tried. Temping, timing, waiting. Nothing. Ok, maybe fate is waiting for DH to get out of the military. Nothing. Ok, DH finishes his college degree. Nothing. The doctor refers us to an RE…low count…let’s inseminate? Feels too soon. Feels to artificial. Fate is just wating for the right time. We need to move back home, close to my parents – then I’ll get pregnant. Nothing. Ok, maybe I’ll go to graduate school and get my masters. Nothing. I get my dream job. Nothing. I get another masters. NOTHING. Buy a house. NOTHING!!!!

Looking back at this I alterantely feel stupid for ignoring science (I am a scientists for goodness sake) and angry that others supported this view. I have NEVER had anyone say to me, “maybe you should try medical intervention.” Everyone says “it will happen.” They are wrong it won’t just happen. I spent so many years believing that the time just wasn’t right. It would happen when it was supposed to happen. Every month I think THIS IS IT. We are ready now. We are worthy of a child. And every month we are slapped with a big FUCK YOU. NOT NOW. MAYBE NEXT TIME.

I just hate the pain. The pain of cycles of hope and failure. over. and over. and over.

And I’m going to do it again next month. I’m choosing to do this to myself. What kind of sick masochism is this? How many more times do I have to endure this before I am worthy? How many more times can I endure this before my spirit is broken forever?

Sorry for the downer. This too will pass – that is part of the cycle. It is getting harder every time.

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