**secret post; not to be published until after 6/9**

Ok, so blogging has been for me one of the great joys of infertility. It is theraputic and I have made wonderful friends in the IF blogosphere. I also use it to communicate with family and friends so I don’t have to answer the same question 5,000 times. This can have a down side – sometimes I can’t post things because I know it will affect someone. Regardless of the outcome I will publish this after 6/9’s beta.

Yesterday, after I got home from my ordeal at the bank I looked at the pregnancy test I had taken that morning. Now, you are only supposed to read results for 10 minutes and then NEVER LOOK AGAIN! But, I’m keeping them as record so there it was. I just glanced down at it and swore I saw the phantom of a line. I mean ghost – you had to tilt it and squint and stuff. Total evaporation line right? I was excited because I’ve taken hundreds of HPT and never had an evap line but at the same time not something to call home about (hence not publishing this because I don’t want to hurt anyone that has a stake in this too (Mom)). I showed DH and he saw it too by employing the squint and tilt method.

Move to this morning… I got a faint – not phantom, but faint – positive with FMU within 60 seconds. Here is a pic:

Do you see that? I do and so did DH. I bought FRER tests to try tomorrow because it is more sensitive.

I’m afraid to say it out loud almost but I think I might be…pregnant!

So today I started wearing estrogen transdermal patches – like the “stop smoking” kind only with ESTROGEN.  It is really quite warm and muggy today and I have been having hot flashes from hell.  I woke up several times last night drenched in sweat and despite the fact I haven’t worn a stitch of clothing all day I still want to rip my skin off.  My hair even feels hot.  

I’ve been keeping sane by listening to my meditation cds.  They help me focus my anxiety and leave it behind me.  I’m glad I’m going to work this week just to keep my mind off counting the days till my beta (8 days, but who’s counting) but at the same time I know I will forever cherish the time DH and I have had to lay around and do nothing but dream about having babies.

I want to shout out a huge thanks to everyone who reads my blog.  Blogging is theraputic in itself but knowing that someone is on the journey with me is like a huge hug.  Special thanks to Mom, Mandi, Dad, Zoe, Yolanda, Chris, Trisha, all my CycleSistas, and everyone else who lurks around my Baby Dust Diary!

Every time I walk into the Dollar Tree I end up asking myself, “why don’t I shop here more often?”  When I was a kid, dollar stores were for buying bubbles and cheap, plastic toys that break in 5 minutes.  Today they have frozen food sections, kitchen sections, it is amazing!

I got my DH a silicone bar-b-que brush he’s been wanting for $1.  I got coconut scented shampoo, conditioner, and moisturizer for $1, $1, and $1.  I love coconut scent it reminds me of summer and cheers me up.  I got an adorable black and white picture frame to put the picture of our embryos in (we want to do a black and white nursery should we be so blessed).

I also got 10 home pregnancy tests for $1 a piece!

Yes, I bought HPT so sue me.  I know everyone – including my mom and DH – have forbidden me to test before my beta blood test on the 9th.  Well…pfft.  That’s what I think of that.  But to help them feel better I decided to explain my perfectly rational reasoning behind this.

Why POAS?

1. I want to communicate with my body and my embryos.  For the past 3 weeks I’ve been bloodtested and ultrasounded to death.  I know on a daily basis what my body is doing.  In a strange way it is like talking to my body.  ”Hey body, what’s up?”  And now, post transfer when I most want to here how my body and my babies are doing I’m supposed to cut off all communication?  It just seems unnatural.  
2. I want data.  I am meticulous and I want to thoroughly document our journey that includes knowing when the HCG leaves my body and when/if I get my own HCG provided by baby.  I want to know when.
3. I want to process my emotions in the privacy of my own home.  I think it would not be good for me to build up all my hopes on one single test.  This way I can cautiously weigh possible outcomes myself before the big beta day.

I called the embryology lab today (repeatedly – more on this in a minute) and we had one “really good” blast that was frozen yesterday in addition to our 2 8-cells that were frozen on day 3. I’m so excited that we had another one survive but I’m so torn up about the ones we lost. We had 17 fertilize and of those 5 are still living (if the two inside me are). That’s such a huge loss. 

Here’s the other thing – I had to call the lab and nag relentlessly to get a status on my embryos because I would “get a letter in two weeks.” I can’t believe that most people think that is ok. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about my little guys and wondering how they are doing. How do people just not worry about it after ET? It seems the lab is not used to people caring past ET. I think one of my problems is I have been too meek (not my nature) because our clinic is paying for all of this! I feel like I don’t have room to complain or be demanding. If I had this to do over I would demand more involvement in the embryology part of this. 

I’m trying to let go of this frustration. My clinic has a world renowned lab – people come from overseas to do IVF here. I’m sure they did what they could and made good decisions. God was watching over my babies. It just hurts to have 12 gone.  

Ok, I’ve rambled! What am I trying to say? Ummm… I guess I just want to send out this prayer : Heavenly Father, thank you for blessing us with the miracle of 17 little lives. Please be with our snowflakes that we could hold them in our arms one day. Please be with our in vivo babies that they would grow strong. Please hold our 12 angels in your loving embrace until we can see them again. Please give us peace to trust your plan. Amen.

I’m thinking a lot about my beautiful embies inside me.  Sometime between 48 hours and 72 hours after ET (that’s today or tomorrow) my embryos will hatch and begin to implant!  I try to envision them doing this successfully and thriving.

My 8-cells have been multiplying rapidly and eventually make a blastocyst (if you will remember my panic over not transfering on day-5).  A blastocyst is an important stage in embryo development because it is the first stage where we see differentiation.  In other words, before blastocyst every single cell had the ability to become a whole human being.  A blastocyst consists of trophoblast cells that create a fluid filled sac that will become the placenta and amniotic sac and another cluster of cells that become the fetus.  After becoming a blastocyst the next big hurdle is to hatch. Up until now the dividing embryo has been in a shell called the zona pellicuida that it now needs to break out of.  Here is a picture of a hatching blastocyst.

And here is a completely unconfusing (yeah right) diagram of implantation:

basically the trophoblasts become part of the endometrium lining the uterus.  The process can actually take up to a week as the embryo really digs in there for a long (9 month) journey.  Sometimes implantation causes spotting…so this is my new obsession!  LOL

Dig Babies Dig!!

So, I’ve been wanting to post all day and here it is almost tomorrow and I don’t know what to say. I was just reading the message boards at Hannah’s Prayer and heard the phrase “pregnant until proven otherwise.” This really sums up how I feel. I mean, as of yesterday I had two healthy, living embryos inside me – how is that not pregnant? So I have decided to enjoy my two weeks of pregnancy and pray they turn into 9 months.

We had two beautiful 8-celled, Grade 3 (4 being perfect) embryos come home today. Above is ICIS Pixie alpha on the left and ICIS Pixie beta on the right. Aren’t they beautiful?

The ET was actually an amazing experience. DH was in scrubs with a hair net and mask – he looked adorable! We went in and had ultrasound (abdominal not dildocam) so they could see the uterus (and my crazy-full bladder). Then on another screen they showed us live-feed of our embryos as they put them in the catheter. On the ultrasound we saw the catheter leave the embryos in just the right place in my uterus and then the embryologist checks the catheter really well to make sure both embryos made it in. It was actually kind of amazing and beautiful. If I didn’t have to pee so bad it would have been fun (they have to have a full bladder to see the uterus best).  We also got the petri dish that or embies were in.

We also had two snowflakes frozen and 10 embryos still being watched for development and possible freezing. Now the two week wait begins as we pray our babies grow and stick.

ET day; 7:33AM – Today my little ones come home.  To the place they belong where it is safe and warm.  I’m going to have embryos growing inside me!  I hope they’ve done well since yesterday and that I will have some snowflake babies for later.

The lab just called to schedule our ET for tomorrow at 9:30.  I am just sick to my stomach because I was so hoping for a 5 day transfer.  I know I shouldn’t have but I just had it built up in my mind as the “goal” of IVF.  I should have asked more questions about number and egg quality but she said “some have slowed down and it looks like you have 9 that are ok.”  Some?  Ok?  Where do these people get their words?  Don’t they know I live and breathe by them?  So, do we have more than 9 and some have slowed down but 9 are doing good?  Do we only have 9 and most of them suck?  I know this is completely out of my hands now.  God is watching my babies and the lab people.  I have to trust.  But I still want to throw up.

I so underestimated how this would feel.  The question of weather a failed IVF is going to feel like a miscarriage is moot.  I feel like these are my babies dying and they aren’t even inside me yet.  I wish I had more control over the lab process.  I want to see each embryo and let ME decide if I think it is arresting or if I think it can be frozen.  Those are my babies and they are in someone else’s care.

There is a dam of tears behind my eyes and my heart is in my throat.

OMG, I’m a mom. My DH is a dad. We have 17, fertilized, unique, individual embryos (zygotes) in petri dishes 40 minutes away. This feeling is so much more overwhelming than I could of imagined. First I am thrilled that DH’s boys could do it. They might not be swimmers but darned if they can’t knock up an egg! woohoo! Next I feel this amazing warm rush of love that I have babies. DH said “I just want to go up there (to the lab) and watch them grow, talk to them.” Amen. That is exactly how I feel. Like I left my babies far away. Like they need me. Then I feel so…humbled. The amazing miracle of God through science that let us make babies! I know that some won’t grow but I want them all to. I don’t want to lose any.

God bless ICSI!