12.06 million post-wash motile!  Woohoo!  That is our best ever.  I’m so excited and hopeful.  I prayed and we visualized the sperm fertilizing the egg as I lay for the requisite 10 minutes post IUI.

I really really hope we get pregnant.  But, if not, I hope we have an answer regarding the IVF before I get a BFN.

Go Spermies Go!!!

If I never see pink lines again it would be too soon.  It seems a cruel twist of fate that the one thing infertile women want to see…2 pink lines…can be so hard to discern on an OPK.

For those of you who don’t know 2 pink lines on a pregnancy test means YOU”RE PREGNANT.  On an ovulation predictor kit it means…ummm…well…i’m not sure…it depends…look over here in this light…no angle it more toward the right.  Does that look darker? lighter?  You would think that modern science (that can put a man on the moon, right?) could come up with a better method.

“ferning” in my saliva?  Please…give me a break.

LOL

AH, continuting to find humor is what makes this all livable.  So, LH surge…that means we go in for insemination tomorrow morning.  I haven’t been to work all week due to the Clomid-side-effect-loop I’ve been in.  Cest La Vie.

I keep reminding myself that our chances are 1:1,000,000.

Still a chance though!

You know the quickly spoken blurb of side effects that pharaceutical commericals have to have?  I always thought they were the result of an accidental hypochondriac getting thrown into the clinical trials.

I was wrong.

In fact, a small percentage of people just WILL get those effects.  I did – all of them – on clomid. Here is a list of Clomid side effects.

Table 2. Incidence of Adverse Events in Clinical Studies (Events Greater than 1%) (n = 8029*)

I had the most severe nausea I’ve ever had.  Hot flashes that drenched me in sweat followed by chills.  Uncontrollable vomiting.  It got so bad I had to go to the ER.  I couldn’t walk straight because of the blurred vision and dizziness.

The worst part is when you have a bad effect of a drug there isn’t anything the doctors can do but wait out the drug getting out of you system.  They gave me some IV anti-nausea meds that helped me open my eyes at least.  This started Friday on my last dose of Clomid and just started getting better earlier today (Tuesday).  Yuck.

Anyways – Saline ultrasound was perfect and FSH was good (I’ll get numbers next week when hubby and I go in for communicable disease testing for IVF).  So, I officially have a clean bill of fertility health so far.  That is great news for IVF.

Still waiting on getting that grant.

This month is my Clomophene Challenge (‘Clomid’ for a the namebrand).  Clomophene Citrate is a drug that stimulates a woman’s ovaries to ovulate.  It is often a first step of fertility treatment for women who are anovulatory.  In my case they are using it to test my “ovarian reserve.”  Basically, they took my estrogen and FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) levels yesterday and then I will take Clomid for 5 days.  On day 10 of my cycle they will test my estrogen and FSH again.  The hope is that my FSH stays very low.  If it was elevated, that would mean the Clomid didn’t stimulate me enough and my ovaries need more prodding.  This is having a “low ovarian reserve” basically my ovaries are old.  It really just informs them about the needed protocol for IVF.  Still, cross your fingers that my FSH stays low.  Dealing with just one infertility factor is better than two (or three, or four).

On CD (cycle day) 9, I’ll also have a saline ultrasound that will show my uterus to be free of adhesions, polyps, and endemetriosis.  Now, since we are stimulating, my doctor also wants to do an IUI (intrauterine insemination).  I’m not really considering it an attempt at pregnancy but I’m sure I’ll feel differently during the TWW (two week wait).

So that’s where I am for now.  I guess I’ll send my name into Cycle Sistas and keep my hopes up.

I feel so blessed now by my rock-bottom landing and bounce back.  Not only has it given me back my long-lost and much needed faith in God but it has had many other blessings.

One is a wonderfully renewed marriage.  More about that later.

I am amazed to find I feel no jealousy toward mothers or pregnant women!  I am free from that oppressive, dark emotion.  I feel overjoyed for them – they are being given (or have been giving) a wonderful gift!  I have several pregnant friends and I truly feel joy for them – not forced joy.

I wonder if I’m ready to be around or hold a small child?  That one still scares me very much.  Just thinking about holding an infant makes me feel this deep, dark, hole of pain in my chest.

Baby steps I guess.

Oh yeah, CD1!!  Let the Clomid Challenge Begin!  Bring it on!